Wow it’s been awhile since I posted. Looking back over the last 6 months or so, I have at least 3 incomplete drafts, each one with a different excuse for not being finished. I really wanted to write a reflection on the end of the year. It was quite a year. I actually got halfway through writing that one. But now my excuse is that it’s February and it’s too late to post a 2022 reflection. Before that I wanted to write about my hospitalization over last summer. I alluded to it in my last post, but I have still been searching for a good way to talk about it clearly. I think my discussion regarding my struggles with depression and hopelessness in just about every post on this blog can explain that story well enough. And once again, it has already been so long since then. So good job avoiding writing that one too, brain. But for any reader who is confused or really wants to know more about what I’ve been through, I really am happy to talk about it if anyone wants to ask.
So now I’m here, feeling that tiny itch in my brain telling me to write. I have to scratch it quickly because its visits have been rare and brief these days. But then I just re-read my last post and now I am afraid I’ll just be saying the same things. But oh well; I think I lost the luxury of not being repetitive after my second post on this blog… Haha. Double negatives aren’t boring. That made sense.
Back to excuses though. Since (roughly) the new year, my latest excuse has been that I should not write if I have nothing meaningful or worthwhile to say. I came to that conclusion as I watched as my self-destructive tendencies started to outweigh my good intentions. So, since I so expertly diagnosed myself as “not doing very well”, I isolated myself from other people so I don’t become a bad influence. However, if you didn’t notice, dear reader, self-isolation also happens to be one of my self-destructive tendencies. A big win for paradoxes, a big loss for me. I’ve been stuck in that rut for awhile now. Telling myself that I should not expose myself to people because I haven’t been seeking or serving God like I should be. But I’m slowly seeing the truth behind the Devil’s lies. I need to start somewhere.
It is really easy for me to look at my relationship with God as a solution to my problems. If I am right with God, I shouldn’t be struggling with addiction or pride or selfishness. If I am praying and journaling and reading my Bible, I shouldn’t feel that urge inside that secretly enjoys the things I know are wrong. But regardless of if I am thinking in extremes such as these or something similar but less binary, it is still fundamentally flawed.
God is not here to solve my problems, I exist to surrender my problems to God.
The problems will not disappear. Sometimes they don’t even get a lot easier. I don’t reach a point where I am doing well enough to be a good influence on other people. Any thought of that happening is only pride talking. Sometimes my walk with God and my life habits are worse than other times. Sometimes it is really hard to say I’m even trying to be better. But waiting around for my problems to be fixed before I stand up and walk is one of the Devil’s most effective forms of paralysis.
Ok, I have to conclude something before I start talking in circles.
It is really easy to intellectually know these things. It is true that walking with God starts with surrender to Him, not trying harder. But there is no solution to sin here on Earth. Temptation will remain a daily struggle. And the deeper the pits I have dug for myself, the longer it will take to climb out of them. Honestly, this knowledge doesn’t really make any of it feel any easier. A lot of different things in my life just finally convinced me to sit down and write about it.
I think that after not posting for 4 months, I can’t really say this blog does anything to really cater to my readers. So who am I kidding? I don’t know if this does anything for a reader, but I’m praying that it will have an impact. I needed this reminder just to break my paralysis. I needed to stop lying to myself, saying that I shouldn’t write until I am stronger spiritually. I remain broken and lost without God, with plenty of baggage I can’t seem to shake off my shoulders. So I hope you enjoyed Daniel’s journal entry. As I say in probably half my posts, I just needed to post this to prove a point to myself - this will not end up as another draft in my Google docs.
I am not paralyzed any more.